cross-posted at Fukshot
Between my actual age and the fact that this year also marks sixteen years since I started hormones, I’ve been thinking for a while about my place in the trans community.
I realized some time last year that I’ve crossed the line to some sort of semi-elder status within the trans community. I’m too young for that, but at the same time, it feels good. I’ve also got to the point that my experience is a little irrelevant to the current generation of trans kids. I transitioned before the internet. I transitioned before laser hair removal. I transitioned before transitioning in “boy mode” was a common strategy for MTF transitioners. The world is pretty different.
I’m also hitting that age where people actually believe things I say about my life plans. Even in my mid-thirties, when I said I didn’t want kids, people would express doubt and say that I might change my mind. I’m now at the age where they just accept that I’m not having kids. It’s nice to be believed.
Getting older also makes me think about the people who didn’t. One of the reasons for my semi-elder status is the rate at which we die. When I was starting transition, I met a woman who started around the same time. She was also a dyke. She had also been a queer boy. She was also kinky. She also rode a motorcycle. She died, just a couple of years later, quietly in her sleep. It was probably related to hormones and her anxiety condition and/or an undiagnosed heart condition and/or her history of drug abuse and/or some other mysterious cause. There are others, but I think of her most, because she and I had so much in common and there weren’t many others like us around.
One of the reason’s I’m still here is the wonderful people in my life, especially those who have seen me at my worst and continued to be my friends or lovers or family of choice.
I am still here in spite of my family of origin.
I am about to spend my day eating well and drinking well and basking in the rays of both the sun and the people I love. I can’t wait to see how happy I’ll be at fifty.